Do you ever find yourself worrying about how much you might owe one of your friends after a night out? Or what to get a friend for their birthday, just because they got you something last year? Keeping track of what your friends do for you and trying to make sure you reciprocate to an equal level is a very transactional way to look at relationships. And there is a better way.

One of my human, Annie’s best friends introduced us to a concept of different relationships many years ago, and it’s been an interesting and rewarding way to approach our friendships ever since. It’s the idea of transactional versus transformational relationships.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Human relationships are always give and take. And if you have a friend who always takes your support, your time, your energy, your money, your gifts and never reciprocates in any way (or if you are that kind of friend yourself), then that doesn’t seem like a healthy friendship to me. It’s always good to be offer any of those things that you are able to offer in return when your friends do things for you.

But, it’s no fun to keep track of what everyone’s paid for things, down to the penny – either for the person who owes or for the person who’s paid. And sometimes, there are occasions where you (or someone else) needs more help and support and isn’t in a position to repay it to the same level.

And that should be okay.

In a transformational relationship, both people know the other one has their back, that their love, affection and trust are reciprocated in equal measure, and that the other person will always be there for them when they need it. In that kind of relationship, the minutiae of who owes what and who gave who what for Christmas and whether the gifts were of an equivalent value just don’t matter any more.

You can go out, have fun, split the bill in whatever way makes sense based on your respective circumstances and go your separate ways without agonising over when things will be paid back.

You can ask for help, be vulnerable, share your worries and your sorrows, without worrying that the other person will get tired of you, because they love you and they know you’ll be happy to offer the same whenever they’re having a problem down the road.

Trust me – it’s a much happier place to inhabit with your friends. Nobody’s keeping track, nobody feels any obligation or discomfort over things being unequal. You’re friends, you love each other, and you share your time, your feelings and your resources without fear of reprisals.

Take a look at your friendships and see if there’s anywhere you can introduce a more transformational, rather than transactional approach.

Don’t forget to let me know how you get on – or if there’s anything you’d like me to talk about in an upcoming blog post!

 

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